Perfectionism

Is “perfect” the only outcome that will satisfy you?  Do you find yourself focusing on the one percent that is not right instead of the 99 percent that is?  Over and over again I work with people who have bought the idea that if something isn’t “perfect” then they have failed.  This seems to be particularly true of people who identify with having some sort of addiction.

What is “perfect” anyway?  I looked it up in dictionary.com and here is what it said: conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type.  So here’s my question:  Just who decides what the ideal is anyway?  Do you suppose that your ideal mate, or meal or vacation might be just a tad bit different from someone else’s?  Do you get just how much judgment is involved in describing or defining what makes something perfect?  Any idea of what’s “perfect” is actually completely arbitrary which is why trying to make something perfect is so crazy making.  Whatever you do, it’s going to be “imperfect” for someone.

So what are we actually trying to do with our hunt for perfectionism? Some of the things I’ve found are:

• Making sure we are beyond criticism.
• Making up for how wrong and bad we have decided we are.
• Taking our value from what we produce or do.
• Not being willing to just be in the moment and be grateful for what is
• Living our lives through of lens of having to judge everyone and everything.
• Trying to please anyone or everyone else but ourselves.

So how do we get out of this compulsion? (And that’s what I find it is for most people.) One of the first steps is to realize that anything that is perfect has to be fixed and unchangeable which means it cannot be alive and changing.  What would the “perfect” flower look like?  It would have to be plastic.  The “perfect” person?  Barbie or Ken.  The perfect meal?  Maybe a picture in a magazine.  Could you make a wonderful meal? A fantabulous meal?  Absolutely!  But a “perfect” meal couldn’t have one thing out of place and thus couldn’t actually be eaten.

Another difficulty with living for perfectionism is that if you decided that something is perfect – a meal, a day, a movie, a friend etc., than you really can’t appreciate anything that isn’t that.  Everything has to be measured against what you have already decided is perfect.  How much room does that leave for something new to enter your life? What’s happens to diversity?  Can you see how perfectionism leads to a very contracted, rigid and unchanging life?

I love the story of the Zen monastery that was expecting a visit from a famous Zen Master.  For days the monks toiled to make the garden as perfect as they could.  Every stone was carefully placed, every tree and plant trimmed, every leaf picked up.  When the Master arrived at the garden he was horrified. He immediately went out and gathered up leaves and twigs and stones and threw them all around the “perfect” garden.  “Now”, he said, “That is beauty, that if life!”.

The beauty of life is that it is every changing.  Things are born/created and immediately they begin to change.  What if you allowed yourself to be present with what is, just in that moment, without judging you or it? What if everything you have judged as “not perfect” was actually just fine the way it was?  Do you think your life might have a little more ease in it? Perhaps more joy?  More possibility? The trap of perfectionism is that you can never be satisfied with what is, and must always be vigilant for any sign of something that someone might be able to judge as not good enough.  It’s exhausting as well as limiting.

What if you were wiling to let things be “good enough”? Put in what ever effort is fun for you, then let it go.  What if you were willing not to care how others judged you or what you did?  What if you knew that you were just fine the way you are.  Guess what?  You ARE just fine the way you are.  Everything else is just someone else’s idea of what’s “perfect” for them.